Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape
by LittleRedOne
Summary: "The writing on the tape is familiar and she lessens her dads' worries with one word. Noah." Puckleberry; Established relationship; Rated for some curse words


**A/N:** This is semi-AU for the fact that it doesn't really mention much of any events on the show, just the characters. Also, it's an established relationship fic so it's set at least a year in to the future from the end of season one. There was originally a song in here written by my friend, but after further discussion we decided we didn't want it posted here anymore, so there's really only a line or two from it left towards the end.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any thing from Glee. The title is a song title from an Underoath cd because it came up on shuffle and just fit too well to ignore.

* * *

He stares at the lyrics in front of him and thinks this is probably one of the _stupidest_ things he's ever done, but he really can't even bring himself to give a shit anymore. It's not like anyone here would be able to ridicule him much longer. He's getting out of Lima. He's leaving this fucking town. For good. It holds nothing for him anymore, but he has to give it this one last shot and say sorry in the only way she'll really understand.

So he goes to the store, buys a blank cassette and shoves it in the pink and purple princess boom box he stole from his sister's room. He grabs his guitar, puts the lyrics in front of him - for the off chance he could ever forget them - and presses record.

He pours his heart into the words as they come out of his mouth. He doesn't care that his voice wavers in places because he knows exactly what she'll think when she hears it. "There's so much emotion in his voice." Then she'll proceed to sniffle and wipe away tears as she realizes what's really happening. She'll be hurt because he's leaving - left - and she'll think he doesn't deserve to be the one to leave.

He doesn't think it's weird that he can predict her words or actions or feelings. If anything he finds it sad. He knows her too well. That's why he's doing this. He pretty much knows that she won't forgive him. And he doesn't blame her because he _fucked up_.

A week later he's ready to head out the door. He gives his sister a bear hug and promises to call and write. She cries a little and his heart breaks that much more, but this is how it has to be. At least for now. His mom doesn't shed a tear, which he thinks is in the top three strongest things she's ever done. He knows this is hard for her, but he also knows she understands why it's happening. He talks to her about shit when it comes to Rachel and frankly she hold him he fucked up too. He hugs her for at least a minute straight, hoping she gets just what he's trying to convey. _You are the absolute best. Thank you for letting me do this. I'll miss you. I love you._ He thinks it's hardest on her because he'll be the second Puckerman man to leave her, but they both know that no matter where he goes, he'll never truly leave her. She's his mother and just like he knows he can count on her, always, she knows she can count on him, always.

They don't say goodbye. Instead they say, "I'll talk to you soon. I'll see you later."

He's half way down the front steps when he turns back. "The tape, mom," he tells her solemnly, "don't forget the tape." She smiles sadly and nods, prompting him to leave after one long last look at his family, his house and everything he is leaving behind.

* * *

She gets a small package in the mail. There's no return address and the print is unfamiliar and her guard goes up instantly. She refuses to open the package until her dads are home, just incase, and spends the better part of the next two hours staring at it.

When she finally opens it she sees two separately folded pieces of paper and a cassette tape with only her name on it. The writing on the tape _is _familiar and she lessens her dad's worries with one word. Noah. They give her sad, understanding smiles as she moves to the stairs with the boxes contents.

One of the papers is taped to the cassette so she starts with the loose one. It's the same unfamiliar writing from the outside of the package.

_Rachel,_

_I'm sending you this per Noah's request. He asks you listen to the tape and, maybe, understand. Before you listen there is something you need to know._

_My son loves you. He knows he's done wrong and that you will not forgive him. That is why you are getting this from me and not him. There's nothing he can say that will change what he's done._

_He's left town. He does not wish you to know his whereabouts. He's staying with a relative and he is safe._

_Best wishes in life,_

_Abigail Puckerman_

She feels like crying. Noah left? He wasn't even going to try to rectify the situation? She knows what his mother said is true. She was unlikely to forgive him, at least any time soon. She loves Noah, but he broke her heart and humiliated her.

She doesn't listen to the tape for three days. She's afraid of what she'll hear. If she hadn't run into Mike at the 7/11 she's sure she would have taken longer. But she does run into him. He asks about Noah and she has to uncomfortably explain that he's left town for an undetermined amount of time to an unknown location. The look he gives her, accompanied by the hand that squeezes her shoulder, prompts tears and she quickly excuses herself.

She puts the tape in her stereo as soon as she gets home and, after a deep breath, clicks play. She hears a chord on a guitar, followed a second later by his voice and she listens intently as she wills herself not to cry. The song's full of apologies and goodbyes and hurt and she can barely stand it. His voice wavers every so often and he's nearly screaming the last round of the chorus and she wants to cry because there's _so much_ emotion in his voice. She is crying, she realizes a second later and she sniffles a little as she wipes at her face with a tissue.

She listens to it seven times before she can't handle it anymore. She opens the second sheet of paper to find the lyrics written in his wonderfully messy style, the words _Final Last Goodbye _written at the top. There are lines blacked out and little scribbles all over and she realizes that he _wrote_ this song.

She's impressed for forty-two seconds. At forty-three she realizes what the lyrics say. This is his final last goodbye. Is he really gone from her life for good? When he returns will he not acknowledge her? Or worse, will he not return?

She gets mad. It's just an inkling at first, but before long the tears dry up and she's totally furious.

Who does he think he is to leave? To runaway from this? From her? He doesn't deserve to leave. He was the one who openly betrayed her. He was the one to humiliate her in public. He was the one who messed things up. If anyone gets to run away it should be her. She's heartbroken and dealing with some pretty serious trust issues and if anyone gets to pack up and take off she deserves to be the one to do it. But she's still here. And he's gone away.

It isn't fair and it isn't right. She tells her fathers so and they agree, though she knows they're only doing so to appease her. They don't approve of either parties running away and she knows they think it's a sign of weakness.

Noah isn't weak. Neither is she. That's why she waits a full week before calling her grandparents and hinting none to gently that she'd love to visit. When her grandmother is only too happy to invite her she readily accepts. Two days later she finds herself on a bus to meet her grandpa. She stays for eleven days.

* * *

He would never admit it to his friends, but he loved being in the middle of fucking nowhere, with no one but his cousin around for miles, and no cable, internet or cell service. He was known as the party guy; always either getting girls or generally being the center of attention. And though he did love all eyes on him when he'd schooled some college kids a few months ago in the art of funneling beer, it can't compare to this. For all the teams he is on and all the friends he has, he likes being isolated.

His mom thinks it's because of his dad. Someone he always should have been able to count on to be there wasn't anymore. He'd left. It makes sense, he thinks, as he mulls over the thought. He didn't like getting too close to people, too used to having them around. Because you never know when someone was going to up and leave.

It takes him six minutes and nine seconds to realize he's a douchebag. She was supposed to be able to count on him. He might have royally fucked up, but that didn't mean she didn't need him anymore.

It takes four hours and fifty-three minutes for him to walk through his front door again.

He calls his mom and leaves a voice message when she doesn't answer. "I'm home. I'll pick up Leah. I love you."

He finds the information for his sister's day camp in the basket next to the fridge and leaves to pick her up. He's there twenty minutes before they're released and he's tempted to go inside and get her early, but decides against it.

When the kids are released it takes him barely anytime to spot her. He doesn't call to her right away, instead watches as she laughs with her friends. She finally scans the lot, looking for their mother and her eyes light up and a grin overtakes her face when they land on him. She shrieks his name, leaving her friends to watch in surprised amusement as she runs away with no goodbye.

He collects her in a big hug, picking her up off the ground and holding her tightly. He really missed her and he doesn't care who knows it. He was gone roughly three and a half weeks and he knows that's the longest he's ever gone without seeing her. Even when he'd been to football camp for so many summers, it only lasted a week.

He tells her he just got home, hasn't even unpacked his bag yet. She laughs and says he just couldn't wait to see her and he agrees. They're in the car and almost home when she asks a question he doesn't know how to answer. "Does this mean you're going to fix things with Rachel?"

He avoids the question the best he can and she knows not to press him. Instead he tells her about his time away and the funny things their cousin always says. When they get home she grabs his hand and practically skips to the front door. He knows he made the right choice in coming back.

* * *

She's reluctant to leave her grandparents, but she's ready to go back home. They both drop her at the bus stop and she kisses them goodbye before climbing aboard. Two hours and sixteen minutes later she's walking through the familiar streets of Lima again, her bag rolling behind her as she heads home.

Her dads aren't home from work yet, but she didn't expect them to be. She goes to her room and her eyes are instantly drawn to the piece of notebook paper on her desk. She thinks it's silly of her self to have left it there, but that doesn't stop her from suddenly longing to hear the song again. She hadn't brought it with her and it's been too long since she's heard it.

She presses play, because she knows she left it right in the player all cued up to go, and turns it up loud. When his voice fills her room again she sighs just a little. She had missed it. She'd called him once while at her grandparents. She would have been ashamed if it weren't for the fact that it went directly to voicemail and he'd never know it happened. As she listens to his voice waver again, she thinks that maybe she can forgive him after all. All he has to do now is try.

Its five days before she hears that he's back in town. She isn't about to seek him out, he needs to come to her, so she goes about her day trying to avoid thoughts of him. Except she can't because now that she knows he's back he is all she can think about. It doesn't help that she's listened to his song countless times and the lyrics are burned into her brain. And it certainly doesn't help that she is constantly trying to figure out if he really means that song to be his final last goodbye or not. She finds herself hoping that he didn't and that if he did mean it, he changes his mind. She misses him and she just wants him to wrap her in his arms again.

She tells her dads he's back over dinner that night. They aren't surprised. They look proud of him for coming back and she knows they always thought he was a strong young man. When she tells them she wants to forgive him they don't try to persuade her other wise. They smile at her and tell her they're proud of her as well. It surprises her and they explain how Noah is just a confused teenager who makes mistakes and, though they in no way approve of his actions, sometimes forgiveness can change ways.

* * *

He's been back for six days when he gets a call from Matt saying he's just seen Rachel and had mentioned he was home. He drills his friend for how she reacted, what she said and anything else he can tell him about her. He can picture the raised eyebrow on the other side of the line as he's told none too subtly "maybe you should find out for yourself." He calls him an unpleasant name and hangs up angrily at the laughter he receives.

He doesn't try to see her that day. Or the next. And, really, he can't bother her on the weekend so there's two more days he does nothing. When he drops his sister at day camp on Monday morning she asks him sweetly what his plans are for the day. When he tells her nothing she grins. "Good. Then you have no excuse not to go see Rachel." He doesn't know how she knows that he's been making excuses. He figures she's been eavesdropping on the heavy conversations he's been having with his mom and wants to be mad about it, but knows he'd do the same thing. He tells her he's not sure. The house is pretty messy, it could use a cleaning. She reminds him he's not a fan of cleaning and pouts. "Please go see her Noah. You miss her. I miss her." He ignores her words and tells her she'll be late.

He spends three hours cleaning, or, more accurately, getting distracted by everything he lays eyes on because cleaning _sucks_. It's not until he retires to his room, mindlessly strumming on his guitar that he considers going over to her house. He's not sure what he'd say or if she'd even let him say anything. Eventually the mindless plucking starts to take form into a song. It's the one he wrote for her all those weeks ago and that settles it for him. He fucking _misses_ her and he's going to go over there. Ever since he came back he knew that it would be inevitable that he manned up and saw her.

Twelve minutes later he's pulling in her driveway. He gets out immediately and stalks up to the front door, not giving himself any chance to back down. He rings the doorbell and waits impatiently for fifteen seconds before knocking as well. He doesn't care if it makes him seem desperate. Because standing there on her front porch? Totally filling him with this nervous excitement he can barely handle and he just wants to _see_ her again.

She opens the door and they simultaneously suck in a deep breath. Her eyes trace his face and his trace hers. Her cheeks flush and he wants _so fucking bad_ to reach over and stroke the soft skin with the tips of his fingers. He doesn't. She releases her breath and all of a sudden there are tears in her eyes and _shit_ he shouldn't have come here. He takes an unconscious step back and she swipes at her eyes.

"Why are you here?" she asks after he takes another step back, the heel of his foot hanging off the porch's edge.

"I just-" he starts only to cut himself off. Why was he here? He knew she wouldn't forgive him and he came back anyway and made her cry again. He's torn between being depressed and pissed and he answers with the only thing he can think of. The reason he came back to Lima. "I told you that you could count on me for anything. I know I let you down and I hurt you, but if you need me, I'll be around. Always."

He's back down the steps, in his car and backing out of the driveway in the blink of an eye.

* * *

She watches him drive away until he's out of sight and she isn't sure what to make of his visit. He didn't actually apologize, but she took his words as one and she forgives him. She feels stupid as more tears drip down her face and she wipes at them again as she goes back in the house. She didn't mean to cry, but she was so afraid that he wouldn't come back around, wouldn't try to make things right, that the relief at seeing him literally brought her to tears. But then he was backing away from her, looking ready to bolt and she had to say something, anything before he did just that.

When her dads get home that night she tells them he stopped by. They smile relieved smiles until she adds that he stayed for a maximum of two minutes before vanishing. "It's a start," her dad tells her gently. "He may have just been overwhelmed, darling. Give him time," her other dad adds. They cook dinner together and talk about what Noah told her and all the possibilities of his words. By the time she goes to bed that night she feels optimistic about things between the two of them.

The next day she goes to see him. He's not home but she doesn't leave. She wants some sort of settlement and she's not going to return home with out one. She sits on his front steps with her headphones on and sings. She doesn't find any certain songs to try to match her mood; she just sings whatever comes on to take her mind off the pivotal moment that she knows is going to occur. She's just starting to sing a song from _Kiss Me, Kate_ when she hears the car door slam shut and abruptly shuts her mouth. He's standing there, in the driveway, looking at her in confusion. She thinks maybe this wasn't a good idea as she notices Matt and Mike gets out of the car but with a quick smile as a greeting they walk down to the end of the driveway, clearly intending to give them privacy.

"Why are you here?" he repeats her words from yesterday.

She stands and brushes her skirt off as she walks over to him. She waits until she's in front of him to speak, even though she knows her voice carries over to the others. "I haven't seen you in over a month and you show up for two minutes before running away."

"I didn't run away," he scowls.

"Fine, you didn't run away," she says impatiently. "You did leave though, before I could even say anything."

"I didn't want to hear it," he mutters. "I didn't want to hear you tell me to get lost. So I just did."

"Noah," she sighs his name in exasperation and he looks up to her eyes with a hint of a smile at the familiar sound. "I didn't want you to get lost."

"No?" he asks.

"No," she shakes her head. Tentatively, she reaches for his hands. He lets her take them and she holds them gently, relishing in the feel of them once more. "I listened to your song," she tells him, "a lot."

"Yeah?" he asks softly and she nods her answer. "That was supposed to be my goodbye to you," he admits. "I'm sorry I showed back up."

"I'm not." He looks to her questioningly and she figures she just has to say what she wants or he won't understand. "I forgive you, you know, Noah."

"You shouldn't," he shakes his head, stepping back until she has to drop his hands. "I was cruel."

She knows his words are true on both counts. She shouldn't forgive him and he _was_ cruel. One jealousy induced fight and he's in an improper state of undress and all over, not one but, _two_ scantily clad girls and laughing at her while she confronts him and leaves in tears. She's over it now though. Her dads were right – sometimes forgiveness can change a person's ways. And she thinks forgiving him will make him wise up before he ever does something to hurt her like that again. She's ready to give him another chance if he wants it. And she thinks he might want it.

"Noah," she says stepping closer to him again. She looks over to Mike and Matt briefly and sees they've migrated farther away. She takes a moment to appreciate that they aren't trying to listen in and turns back to Noah. "I don't care what I shouldn't do. I forgive you."

* * *

His day wasn't supposed to be this fucking complicated. He picked up his pals and they were going to play video games and stuff their faces all day. He'd actually been looking forward to it. And then he pulled in his driveway and there she was. He'd shot a look to Mike and Matt and the two nodded in understanding. He got out of the car and they followed his lead, walking away so they could have this uncomfortable confrontation on their own. He stared at her for a second, trying to figure out why she was there before speaking. When she grabbed his hands he barely resisted closing his eyes at the contact. And now she was telling him that she forgives him. And even though he wants nothing more than for those words to be true, he knows they can't be. She was crying just at the sight of him yesterday.

"Don't," he tries again.

"Stop telling me what to do," she frowns stubbornly. "If I want to forgive you I will and there's nothing you can do about it."

He laughs a little because, really, he can think of some things he could do about it. But he's not doing shit; if he has a chance then he'll be damned if he ruins it. Instead he presses her on the subject. "Why?"

"Why don't you want me to forgive you?" she counters. "Because if you've moved on that's all you have to say. Just tell me and I'll walk right down this driveway and out of your life."

"What?" he asks loudly, angry she even thinks that's a possibility. Seriously, how many fucking times did he tell her that he loved her and that he didn't want to be with anyone else? How many fucking times did he show her how much he cared about her? And she thinks that he's just up and moved on in a damn _month_.

"I'm just trying to understand why you're trying to dissuade me," she says sternly, raising her voice to match his and crossing her arms. "It is not impossible for you to have left your feelings for me behind."

"Are you fucking insane?" he asks her seriously. He hears choked laughter coming from a short distance away and he turns and glares at Mike and Matt. They hold their hands up innocently from their spot at the end of the driveway but it's obvious they're fighting back smiles. He doesn't think twice before stalking up to his front door, unlocking it and holding it open until she gets the clue and walks inside.

"I do not appreciate being insulted," she tells him as he slams the door shut behind them.

"I'm not trying to insult you."

"You called me insane," she points out.

"I think you might be," he shrugs. There's a pregnant pause and he wonders which way she'll react. It's not long before she cracks a smile and he returns it. "See, you know I'm right."

"Noah Puckerman _you_ are insane." She says his name fondly and he finds himself smirking at her. "Are you going to accept that I forgive you or not?" He looks at her searchingly. He never thought she was going to forgive him, but Rachel Berry did love surprising him.

Dinner's made by the time his mom gets home from picking up Leah. She doesn't hide her surprise and, it's not the fanciest meal, but she tells him it looks and smells great. She's tactful enough to wait until after dinner, when Leah's out to play with a friend up the street, to start asking questions. With an eye roll he explains that no, he didn't do anything bad that he was trying to make up for; he was just in that good of a mood. She stares at him thoughtfully before she smiles. It takes her one guess after that to figure out that yeah, Rachel forgave him and they're back together.

His mom laughs and hugs him and he doesn't care one bit when she plants a big, smacking kiss on his cheek. He lets her rave about how wonderful it is. Because, honestly? It _is_ fucking wonderful and it's good to know someone else realizes it too. He had spent many hours bonding with his mother over Rachel and it was good to know that wouldn't end.

He takes a shower before bed and when he gets out there's a missed call and text message from Rachel. _Just call me when you've got time. _He laughs as he slips under the covers and calls her back. Because Rachel? He's always got time for her.

* * *

Her dads are proud of her for taking the initiative to go see him instead of waiting for him to come back again. They ask if it went well and she smiles and nods. She tells them that he tried not to let her forgive him and shakes her head at his silliness. They smile knowing smiles and she questions them. They tell her they're just happy for her, but she knows it's more than that. Her mood's too good to care to press it and she lets it go easily.

She babbles on happily to them about the rest of her day, leaving out the lengthy make out session that took place after the make up. She says the boys – Noah, Mike and Matt – took her to the zoo and treated her to a special day to celebrate. She muses about why Mike and Matt were so willing to extend the friendly gesture to escort her to the zoo when they'd had other plans. Her dads tell her seeing as they _are_ her friends the gesture is not too unexpected. She smiles and agrees, thinking this summer turned out okay after all, before rambling on again.

It's not until she's in bed that night and gets ready to call Noah that she realizes the smile's barely left her face since that afternoon. He doesn't answer and she sends him a text message instead of a voice message. He calls her back within twenty minutes.

"Hey babe," he greets and she can tell he's got a satisfied smirk on his face. "Been a while since I called you that."

"Hi Noah," she laughs in response.

"What's up?"

"I was just getting ready for bed and thought of something extremely important that I wanted to tell you," she says sweetly.

"And what's that?" he asks. "That you've missed my totally smoking guns and next time I see you I just shouldn't wear a shirt?"

"That was the second thing I wanted to say," she teases. She can picture the full out grin on his face and doesn't want to give him a chance to respond with anything. "I had something more important though."

"Not sure what could be more important than that," he says confidently, "but go for it."

"I love you." She smiles wider being able to say the words again.

"Ah, much more important," he says wisely and she pictures him nodding. As an after thought he adds, "Smart of you too."

"I see you're feeling a bit conceited today," she comments.

"Babe," he says jokingly, "you can't deny that loving me was the smartest thing you've ever done."

"On most days," she answers lightly.

He seems to realize her meaning because he sobers up. "You know, I don't think you even let me apologize."

"You did in your song," she tells him. She hesitates only a moment before singing the lines to him. "_So you cried. I'm sorry that I died. I never meant to hurt you but I did. I did_."

He sings the words right back to her before heaving a deep sigh. "I'm sorry Rachel. I was a complete bastard."

"You were," she agrees. "And I know you're sorry."

"I'd never been so pissed off at you," he explains needlessly because she does not care, nor want, to hear it. "And I fucked up."

"Noah," she interjects before he can add anything else. "Please stop trying to explain. I accept your apology and I trust you not to do something so foolish again."

"I won't," he promises right away. "I will never put you through that shit again. I won't put either of us through that shit again."

"That's all I need from you."

"You're too good for me Rach," he says softly. She knows he believes it because the only other times he's ever said it were when he truly felt like he was worthless. Her heart simultaneously swells with love and aches for him.

"Noah Puckerman," she says in her most strict voice because he knows she hates when he says that.

"Sorry," he supplies, "forgot."

"Okay," she says in easy acceptance. "Now go to sleep and call me when you finally drag yourself out of bed tomorrow."

"Bright and early. Will do," he laughs. They both know it won't be before eleven.

"Good night Noah."

"Sweet dreams Rach." She's about to hang up when she hears him say her name again. "Hey, Rachel?"

"Yes?"

"I love you too."

* * *

**A/N:** This was my first try with Glee, but I do have other stories in the works. I tried to keep the characters close to how they were on the show, taking in to account the maturing that would have happened and the effects of the situation they were in. If any of you find I royally screwed up writing them though, please let me know because I'd like to fix it.


End file.
